Markets are in a frenzy this morning as kibble futures jumped 4 percent on rumours of a salmon flavoured breakthrough! Analyst Gordon Furrbes, speaking from a velvet cushion, called it ‘the most exciting thing since the invention of the dish.’
Meanwhile, wet food holdings slipped 1.2 percent after a disappointing earnings call in which a CEO gave only a long stare. Treasury treats remain steady at 3.1 per household. Investors are advised to diversify into toys, avoid the carpet market and, above all, never trust a bowl that is less than half full.
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