Panic is spreading across Hollow Oak this evening as grocery stores report a severe shortage of tin openers. By 5 p.m., 62 households had no way into their salmon, and the situation was described as ‘dire’ by a woman holding an unopened can.
Cats have gathered in kitchens in crowds of up to six, staring at the cupboards. A government spokesperson urged calm. ‘We are working on it,’ he said, ‘with a spoon.’ Meanwhile, cat hunger has reached what experts call ‘peak dramatic.’ We will be standing by with updates and, if necessary, our own cutlery.
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